June 2nd was one year since my brain surgery... How fitting that God's promise was reminded to me over the Nashville sky as I started a new chemo!
Brightness everywhere! The way a rainbow springs out of the sky on a rainy day—that's what it was like. It turned out to be the Glory of God! Ezekiel 1:25
First, I want to thank everyone who has shown me so much love and support over the past year. my family & friends, Mom, Dad, Ryan, Jackie & Melissa and so many more. I know there have been hundreds of people praying for me around the world, many I don't even know, and I am so incredibly grateful!
Here we go...
This week was one year since my tumor was discovered. My cancer is called Medulloblastoma. It's actually a children's brain and spine cancer and it's rare that anyone over the age of 15 would get it for the first time. I was 25. I had a golf ball size tumor resected from my cerebellum. They had me on high steroids for a week to reduce swelling, then did the surgery on June 2, 2009. The pain and hell the few weeks after surgery was unimaginable, and NO ONE could have understood. But, with each and every day and quite a bit of physical therapy, things got easier.
They were able to get my whole tumor out, but I started six weeks of radiation in July and lived in Nashville during that time. After I had a few weeks of rest, they started chemo in September. My radiation was cranio-spinal. That means from the front of my brain all the way down my spine into my hips. That's the largest area they can radiate at once. It made me extremely tired and nauseated, but I didn't throw up much. Other than the fatigue, it wasn't that bad, until I lost my hair. That was hard. Luckily, I had one of my best friends staying with me in Nashville at the time.
The day it began to fall out I cried allot, but I was prepared and had Bridgette go ahead and shave off the rest of my hair. My number one suggestion is to get a good wig you're comfortable with before you loose your hair. At first you'll feel like everyone can tell, but they make them so well now, no one ever knows. I'm constantly complimented on what great hair I have, and they have no idea it's not even mine! Plus I can get ready so fast now! :)
After some recovery time, I decided to go ahead with chemo. They gave me the option to not take it, but it's common that Medulloblastoma can come back in the spine. So, my chemo has been for preventative reasons. It began in September 2009 and I hope to finish by this September. Originally they said I would only take it for 6-9 months, but my body took it pretty hard with low blood counts and platelets each time. So, I've had to have lots of transfusions and rebuilding time between treatments.
While the whole thing sounds pretty terrible as I'm sitting her typing it out, I want to encourage anyone facing it; not scare them. God has been amazing through the whole thing. I have really tried to not ask, "Why did this have to happen to me?" That's the easiest thing to think. It's easy to have a pity party, and really, who would blame you under the circumstances? What I've tried to keep telling myself is that I'm so glad it was me and not a child. I know that God only gives us what we can handle. I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT... but, He has shown me how I really can do it, I just have to trust that He's going to help me get through it.
While I wouldn't have wished for, or expected this in a thousand years, a lot of good has come out of it. I had to move back in with my parents after owning my own home for 3 years. While I thought it would be HORRIBLE, I am so close to my mom now. She takes me to all of my appointments in Nashville, and we have truly become so much closer its amazing.
My boyfriend and I also grew unbelievably closer. You truly learn who in your life loves you when it comes to cancer. Most people are afraid. Many of them will come in the beginning anyway, but it's those who stick with you through it all that truly love you. Ryan and I were engaged in September of 2009 and we are looking forward to planning our wedding when I'm done with treatments.
There are days that I still sit and want to cry. My advice: do it. And the people around you should let you. As long as you're not down about it all the time, I think a good cry about once a week is healthy. I didn't cry for the first three months. I think I was just too much in shock. Once I did, I felt so much better. I also see a therapist about once a month. It really helps to just unload on someone who's not in the thick of it, and who won't say, "It will all be okay!" As nice as that sounds, sometimes, its the last thing you want to hear.
Overall, I wouldn't trade it. I have learned more about God, myself and the people around me in one year, than I ever imagined possible. While we can't always see the plans when we are at the beginning of the ride; the valleys, drops, twists and turns, He engineered the ride and we have on one heck of a safety harness. While we might be afraid in the beginning, most of the time, when the ride comes to an end, we realize it wasn't that bad after all.
